Regrets? I have a few…
But would I change anything?
“Be in love with your life, every detail of it” - Jack Kerouac
Sometimes in order to be fully present in one moment, one must reflect on the journey taken to get there.
This moment, as I sit on my new patio, the sun not yet risen, Venus sparkling like a diamond in the sky. All is quiet save for the hum of the cars taking their people to and fro on a freeway close by. My fountain babbling a sweet morning song.
This is what peace must feel like. It has been so long since I awoke with such grace.
I feel a pang of worry. How long will I get to feel this way?
The path I took to get here was perilous. I seem to be drawn to the rockiest of roads. Never choosing the easy way to anywhere. Nor often sure of where it is I am headed.
As I look back, I can see moments where the choice was mine to opt for the simple life. Wealth has been at my feet countless times. Partnership available, even if true love wasn’t there. I could have made it work and probably been “happy”. But never satisfied. Maybe that would have been safer, easier and most likely a less tumultuous of an existence.
But I chose the journey I have walked, run and recently hobbled on.
Do I have regrets? I’m sure I do. But what does one do with regret? We usually hide it deep in the corners of that closet we never want to open. Concealed behind the winter coats and cleaning supplies. Every once in a while, we catch a glimpse of it and our tummy churns, and we wonder if everything we have built will come crashing down if we dare to reach out and touch it.
I signed the lease for my new apartment on September 11th, 2023. That date carries so much weight for so many. Ironically, I made a huge life decision on the fateful day back in 2001. I signed on to make “What The Bleep Do We Know?!”. A project that would launch me onto a path I never saw coming.
It’s been 22 years since I took the call that would lead me to move across state lines, create a groundbreaking film, get married, give birth twice, get divorced and move back over those same lines. So much happened during those 22 years. My 30’s and my 40’s. They were, in many respects, amazing decades full of joyful experiences, but I was warned there would be a lot of pain and suffering along my road.
And there was, heartbreak, loss, betrayal. All the things that cause one to peak at the pile of regret in the closet wishing we could go back and change our minds.
But I f I did. I wouldn’t be right here, right now. Communing with Venus, watching the sky shift from darkness to light. Alive and well in spite of it all.
No, instead of regret, this morning I choose to feel grateful. Because even with all the tears shed, the rage against the harshness of this reality, I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
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