Old habits are hard to break

I did something dumb the other day and I know exactly why.

An old pattern came up as I navigated my current battle with my landlord. Court dates, lawyers and me,  feeling alone and thinking “If I just had a man, I would be safe”

Famous last words… right?

I’ve been off the dating apps for a minute, after yet another crash and burn I decided I just needed to be single.

As I began writing 50 Shades of WTF, so much past pain, trauma and shadows began to be exposed that I knew I needed to be on my own while I uncover, heal and transform all of it into the verosion of myself I would become in this final phase of my existence.

The Crone or The Wise Woman –

The Crone archetype represents the final phase of a woman’s life cycle. This is a time of deep growth, wisdom, and reflection. There’s a clear move from an outward focus and energy to an inward one, which is mirrored in how our physical appearance simmers down, but our inner senses are heightened. She slows down, becomes introspective, and is highly sensitive.

Sounds about right. And with everything happening in my life over the last nine months, I knew it was time to dig deep into the crevices of my soul and do one final clearing.

And BoB took that shit seriously.

Oddly, for the last few months, I haven’t felt alone. I’ve loved being “single”.  I’ve been reading more books, going to sleep early, waking up with the sun, meditating, exploring new rituals, gardening,  making candles… healing…

And when I did yearn for that itch to be scratched.. I have an awesome vibrator, which, quite frankly has done better than just about any man I’ve been with in years…

So, I have been satisfied in more ways than one.  😏

Every once a while, when I would wonder if there was a man out there for me, I would peruse the “are we dating the same guy” pages on social. And if that isn’t the perfect deterrent I don’t know what is.  The ghosting, the lying… women using apps to verify men, are they married, broke, have convictions… I mean it’s clearly big business. And the men! OMG! How can one man handle so many women? I can barely handle my cats and kids! Liars, cheaters, abusers…Dating is a mess and I wanted no part in it.

Until last Friday, the weekend before my court date, when outwardly I paraded my powerful, invincible Betsy out in the world, but on the inside I was scared and an old story about how men were supposed to protect me creeped its way into my thoughts.

I re-opened one of the apps and in an instant I had 100 “likes”… I swiped left on 98 of them and opened a conversation with 2.

One barely spoke English and it didn’t make it far (What can I say, I have a thing for Italians or Latin men), the other showed promise. He had a way with words, was funny, a bit older than me… FYI the amount of 35 years olds who want a cougar is astounding… alas, I’ve played in the sandbox and it’s not what I was looking for.

We chatted via the app for the weekend off and on and then last night I spoke to him. He didn’t make a lot of sense, the whole conversation was odd, he contradicted himself, was he still married or recently separated? In one text he had said he had been single and dating for 8 years, yet on the phone he was just separated a month ago… Oy… I quickly excused myself from the call after his long explanation about how his marriage was loveless….and somehow he eluded to that being her fault… 🚩🚩🚩

And then this morning a long winded text about how I need to understand dating and that he’s an expert ( I have no Dea why he decided to tell me any of this… btw, I barely got 2 words in on our call) and I think he asked me to lunch… I wasn’t sure… regardless I passed and just like that I deactivate my account…

Contemplating my why around men, my story around needing them and resolving to remember I am a whole being all by myself, probably more bad ass than most men and definitely capable of handling life’s curve balls and power tools.

Much of my story around men is what is written in 50 Shades of WTF,  you can find the Introduction through Chapter 2 in my past posts, more chapters are coming and will be available for my paid patrons.

Of all the things I have written, it is my most vulnerable, exposing the childhood trauma that has built my entire story around men, myself and has impacted many of my life decisions and ultimately my own healing, forgiveness and acceptance, with joy where I am in my 50’s.

Ok, so I slipped and fell into an old pattern. I forgive myself and am back to enjoying myself again. Best charge the vibrator… it’s going to be long weekend.