My heart is breaking

But I think it’s time to let my daughter go

We had a fight, which was apparently all my fault.

Because I spoke up and asked where my brush was.

It’s interesting that daughters never think their mothers are human.

It wasn’t just a brush, a deodorant, it was a lot of times, in which me, or even her brother could not stand up and say no, because she just never learned, as hard as I tried for her to learn that word.

No was not something she ever accepted, which is someways is a really good thing except when you’re on the receiving end.

Boundaries are tough when you’re a mother, especially a single one, I’ve never been good at setting them actually.

And if I’m being honest, for most of her life, I didn’t set any, I tried, believe me, I tried.

I can’t say that I’ve been a great mother.

I’ve been the best mother I can be.

Her father is a full-blown narcissist.

And I know a lot of women call their exes narcissists.

Mine was actually diagnosed and as sociopath as well.

And if I’m being honest, my daughter was born feeling as though she was entitled.

A funny story I tell with the wink of an eye, but with a knowing in my heart, is when she was three, and I sang the cleanup song, and tried to get her to clean up her playroom with me, and she looked at me dead in the eye, and said I can hardly wait till I’m older and I can pay someone to do this. Please don’t judge her, she was just born knowing who she was. She’s not a bad person. She has a lot of compassion and empathy for others. Just not her mom.

And when I got divorced, I should’ve said no more than I said, yes. But the guilt and the shame of failing at marriage, and the need to please, and to feel loved by anyone forced me into a corner that I now regret.

I count myself lucky. Because I know in her heart, she knows what I have done for her and she knows that I love her unconditionally.

And the way that she left, taking something valuable, but still a thing.

She has a story about how it all went down, I remember those days.

Being at fault for everything that happened in the world, when my ex-husband’s life wasn’t going the way that he wanted it to, it was always my fault.

But this time, with my daughter, who is run back into the arms of the devil, making deals she’ll probably regret later, I know I’ve done my job.

Daughters don’t always love their mothers. And this break was a long time coming, and much-needed.

I wish it had happened with the grace and ease that other mothers portray on social media. But sometimes the breakaway from those that have cared for you your entire life is violent.

Like a butterfly exploding from the cocoon.

She is safely in the arms of a father, who doesn’t know how to love her, but has money, so maybe he’ll finally show up and pay for something.

I’ll get some space, some peace. I’ve raised two children on my own for basically 14 years, paid for everything, held them and picked them up early. Bought them school supplies when their dad was supposed to, bought clothes was his turn. Made the late night trips to the craft store for the project they should’ve done while they were with their dad on the few times he actually took them.

Forgiveness when they called me names that came from their father’s mouth. Hovered when they didn’t want me, and let them suffer a little bit in a jungle they didn’t want to be in.

And I’m OK being the villain right now. Because I’m not her “bestie”, I’m her mom.

In one way, she’s very like me in that I’ve always had to learn it my way.

I know that she has the capacity to reflect, and have some self-awareness. I also know that she’s damn stubborn.

So welcome to the Thunderdome, my darling. I truly hope you’ve learned a few things from me on how to hustle this reality.

And most importantly, I want you to know that you are loved.

You’re gonna need that nugget when shit gets dark and hard. Because it will and I will always love you.

---

I’ve got two spots left for the most amazing juicy witchy group of women writing their stories… you don’t want to miss the group DM me for details.