For context and perspective, I am a mom of a boy. He’s 16.5 years old, Caucasian, lower middle class, and raised by a single mother.
He was born in the countryside, surrounded by a gaggle of granola moms who never said no to their children lest they somehow hinder their child's imagination and development. I understood the mostly Montessori concept about the overuse of the single word without a redirect; however, I don’t think some of the granola mommies read that book. I believe that sometimes saying no, clearly and directly, and meaning it would perhaps teach my son boundaries and that NO is a complete sentence. I took the “everything in moderation” approach, including sugar, soda, and gluten, and the use of the word no.
It's all in the nuances, right? There are literally thousands of parenting books, often with conflicting information. I decided I wasn’t going to “mold” my children into anything; I took the guard rail approach, as in the guard rails you see at a bowling alley; like a bowling ball, they might hit the rails, but they would eventually bounce back, avoiding the plunge into the gutter.
I worried about raising a boy, especially a white one, in a world finally (hopefully) awakening to the harsh truths about the behavior of his forefathers. I wanted him to be aware of this history without taking it on as his fault but as an opportunity to be a part of the much-needed paradigm shift in how we humans interact and co-exist. Which meant understanding boundaries, his and others, respecting and appreciating people for their character and kindness rather than their race or gender.
The Patriarchy is indeed evil and, in my opinion, is the cause of what has brought society to the brink, time and time again. The last thing we need is another generation of “angry men”, especially white ones.
As a mom of a boy, I knew I had a responsibility to support his growth emotionally, mentally, and spiritually and I had no idea how to do that in the current state of discourse humans faced.
At one point in my parenting journey, I was co-leading an event at a retreat. A room full of 40-60-year-old women joined together to explore the feminine. My co-leader asked a question: Describe the Masculine and the Feminine in single words.
Simple enough, right?
What started out as words like “Soft” for the Feminine and “Powerful” for the Masculine quickly digressed into words like “Aggressive, Angry, and Greedy” for the Masculine, and I realized that these women weren’t really describing the Masculine; they were sharing their feelings about men.
I asked the group how many of them were raising boys, and lo and behold, almost the entire room of 50 women raised their hands.
It hit me like an errant soccer ball. This is really what we are teaching our sons. That they are bad because they are men. Men are “bad” and always have been; they have ruined the planet and the people; they are evil, greedy, angry, violent, uncaring vermin that need to be eradicated.
As the mother of a five-year-old boy, I knew I had to pay attention to how I raised my daughter and my son in these times when the balance was attempting to come forth, and the scale was easily weighted down on one side or the other.
This became even more evident when my son wanted to run for 5th-grade class president. My son is a sweet, thoughtful, conscious young being who is friendly with everyone. He was so excited to make his poster and slogan, you know, the works. We got busy and had a blast.
The next day, he comes home truly upset, legitimately flabbergasted, and confused as to what he had done wrong. because a friend, a girl – “I thought she was my friend?” he shared, had told him that boys are bad leaders, they have ruined everything, and that he doesn’t deserve to run for 5th-grade class president.
My mama bear initiated. I went to the school the following day after requesting a meeting with his teacher and the girl’s parents. Only her mother showed up and, in a five-minute-long diatribe, exclaimed that it was time boys sat down and shut up and let the girls lead.
I sat in silence for a few moments; on one hand, I understood her; I had experienced her pain just as all women have. We all have a story about how the patriarchy has harmed us. Yet was this the answer? To just flip the script?
I remembered those women and their list of grievances against the men. Not only were we teaching our sons that they were bad, but we were also teaching our daughters to hate their male peers.
Flipping the script, indeed.
I sat with my 10-year-old son and explained the patriarchy and why women were so angry at men and that it wasn’t his fault; however, it would probably be something he would have to contend with in his lifetime. The wound is deep in women, and while we do our best to raise our sons to be better than their fathers, sometimes, since the wound is unhealed, it still burns.
I also changed the way I talked to my daughter about men. If we want true equality, it must come from both Masculine and Feminine energies. One cannot be lifted by drowning the other.
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