Love, Relationships and expectations…

A negotiation of rules, past trauma, hopes and dreams

As I sit here firmly in 2024, a “Modern woman”. A career, children, single and truly desiring a healthy happy relationship, it dawns on me that I have no idea how one achieves that in these days of #MeToo, empowered women, daughters of feminist mothers trying to relate to never married, no kids’ men in their 40’s and 50’s seeking 20 somethings, the daughters of the daughters of feminist mothers whom they must think are a lot less formidable or “cranky”, they just have less trauma and the men are there to fill that role.

Women want men to “show up”. You know, put in the effort, love them, care for them, cherish them, adore them while also respecting them, their careers, their independence. None of this is wrong, it’s just coming out in a very confusing way.

On one hand women want what we should have had all the time. Equal rights. Respect, appreciation for our contributions to the world, of which there have been as many, if not more than men. Yet, I also see a bevy of women ready to drop an anvil atop a man’s head if they don’t plan everything, pay for everything, know exactly what a woman’s wants and when, how… all the “things” get it right or die.

And then there are the men, who become utterly butt hurt when a woman knows what she wants and speaks up, she’s not feminine enough, or she’s controlling, and are quick to call a woman a gold digger if she shows up ready to play their damsel in distress.

In an age where people are marrying less, having less children, focusing more on themselves and their happiness, many are still trying to fulfil the happily ever after narrative from their new “empowered me” perspective.

It’s ironic that men love women who empower their “boss bitch” in the bedroom, in magazines and on Instagram, yet often discard them quickly and disrespectfully, ghosting or cheating because their own “needs” aren’t being met.  These needs often being a woman who will be nurturing, sweet and demure. An unconscious desire to continue to be mothered or mothered for the first time. (Much of the males unhealed trauma).

And women who want to have it all because we’ve been told we should and could have it all and if we don’t, there is something wrong with us. Jeez, we are exhausted in trtying to achieve it!

I see so many younger women out there trying to date, hearts and minds still healing from the trauma we all experience in this world, struggling to find themselves while also fining a partner.

Something has to give, I think. I’m not sure we get to have it all the “ways”.

For women – If we want to be respected for our independence, our ability to contribute equally, then we can’t flip out if instead of planning everything, the men ask us what we want. Just answer the damn question.

And my dudes, you could try a little harder. A woman will tell you everything she likes and desires, all you have to do is ask.

And I truly believe that before we decide to get into a relationship, we MUST heal ourselves first. Which goes against the old paradigm of marry young, make babies, settle down.

As someone who has made the mistake of committing to relationships, two failed marriages, unhealed and totally un-self-aware, I can assure you, as I sit here mid-50’s, happily single, yet welcome to love, that it’s worth it.

Granted I learned a lot from my failures, I think that’s part of life. There is no rush. One can become clear about who they are and what they want at any age and then hold strong to those values. That’s the trick. Be choosey, picky, its ok. But… and yes, I said But, we don’t get to be mad at or rail against another human who doesn’t fit our rules and expectations.

Hopefulness is an excellent quality, but in love and relationships, a little pragmatism will do you good.

I like the 3-date rule, because usually, by the third date, if you’re paying attention, if you’re asking, “do I like them?” and not “do they like me?”, you will see the “Red Flags”.

I know, I know, we all want to be swept of our feet, alas, those story lines often are saved for the romance novels and rom coms. You person is out there, and although I am a huge romantic at heart, I’ve come to appreciate a little discernment, a lot of conscious awareness and a willingness to be single and wait it out. I’m about to be 54 and my “Knight in Shining Armor” has yet to arrive and I am all good with riding my own horse in the meantime, or if need be, off into the sunset on my own.

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