I don’t think I’m womaning right

At least, according to the man I was on a recent date with.

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

About an hour into our date, after discussing our children, careers, and some of the cultural differences between my very American upbringing and his Eastern European, he suddenly asks me

“And how are you as a woman?”

I had to stop and think about this question. Like, what did he mean?

Was this a language thing, and perhaps he was asking me about sex? It didn’t feel like that. he saw me struggling to comprehend, and he began to explain, “You talk a lot about your work; you’re very driven.”

I was still confused; perhaps it’s because, for me, my work is a big part of my identity. I absolutely love what I get to do for a living, I explained. I am very blessed and grateful that I was able to turn a passion that I have in life into what sustains me in my family.

When I arrived at the restaurant for a date, he sat on the bench. This initially annoyed me, as you know the saying about men who sit on the bench, but he immediately invited me to sit next to him. Which again, these days, would have set off a ton of alarm bells.

This wasn’t our first meeting in person. A few days earlier, I met this man in the wild at a local winery/restaurant, where it seems we both often go to work in the beautiful outdoor setting. We struck up an awkward conversation in line about water bottles.

I say awkward because I don’t remember the last time I was actually picked up on in person, in the real world, so for sure, I was a little awkward and hesitant.

He persisted in the conversation, was polite, and was genuinely a very interesting man. He boldly asked if he could give me his phone number so that if I was interested, I could reach out to him. I appreciated this and decided that he could text me his number, which he did, with his name, and stated again if I was interested, I could reach out to him.

And now, here we are, in a very nice restaurant, sitting next to each other, discussing how, in America, people tend to like to have their distance from each other.

In explaining to him that I really, truly love my work, it’s a part of my soul and who I am, he expressed that I was a very independent woman. And suddenly, it began to make sense. I agree; I am a very independent woman.

I am 54, a full-time single mother who makes her own way in this world and has pretty much her entire life, and I don’t need a man.

I was impressed at how he responded to this. He was genuinely curious and even willing to say that men need a woman to need them. And I realized I’m not capable, nor willing to need a man again.

Much of this is from the trauma I have experienced at the hands of men in my life, and the rest of it is from my upbringing by a mother who wanted her girls to be independent women.

As we continued chatting, this thought echoed through me. Perhaps this is why I rarely would get a second date anymore. Maybe this is why I haven’t been on an actual date in a very long time because I’m no longer willing to the damsel in distress in order to make a man feel needed.

I decided a long time ago that I was no longer willing to quiet myself and feminize myself in ways that would make a man feel safe since men almost never do the same for me.

I’m not angry or bitter at men. I’m very happy in the way that my life is in terms of my ability to dictate my own experience here. Perhaps it’s true that after so many failed relationships. I’ve come to accept that no man in the world truly appreciates a woman like me.

I also realized that this was our first date, and I for sure had my guard up, and it wouldn’t come down very easily. I am jaded and cynical when it comes to men and their intentions and I guess it shows.

And apparently, this is why women like me end up single. In our world, it isn’t on the men to heal their inner child or past trauma. It’s up to the women to make them feel safe. We are supposed to continue to be mysterious, sexy, and a little bit like a little girl who needs protecting in order to “snare” a man.

This is as much women’s fault as it is men’s. Even in modern times, the divine feminine goddess movements still perpetuate the notion that our job is to beguile and bewitch men. We are supposed to be clever and understanding and, with a wink and a slight smile, take these little boys under our wing, playing the role of a little girl so that they can feel powerful.

And apparently, I don’t do that very well. And I don’t think I ever will.

This doesn’t mean that I can’t be soft and nurturing. It just means that I’m not willing to open up that space within me so easily, being selective about where I allow my innocence and vulnerability to be exposed.

Discernment would’ve done me some good in my youth. Perhaps then I wouldn’t have been so hard to get to know.

We ended the evening having a very deep conversation about our values and ethics. After a brief hug, he walked his way, and I mine.

Surprisingly, I did hear from him again, and the conversation continues. So maybe, just maybe he might meet the woman in me one day after all.

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