I don’t hate men

I’m just ready for a grown one

Photo by A. L. on Unsplash

I’ve often written here about my experiences with men. And when I write, the men show up in my comments, either that I must hate them, misunderstand them, or am just plain wrong about them.

Recently, I got into an exchange with a self-proclaimed “Knight in Shining Armor” who apparently has enough room in his heart for multiple women—good for him, as I can’t even manage one man… I can barely manage myself!

We got onto the topic of men needing to be needed, and in his case, “Acts of Service” was one of his love languages. The “service” part of that statement sounds awesome; a man who wants to serve his woman… what woman wouldn’t want that?!

Me, that’s who. I don’t, and that doesn’t mean I don’t have needs. It just means that, regularly, people who want to be in service aren’t always in it to serve anyone else but themselves. (read Choosing For Myself When to Choose Violence Or Peace. For the female version of this)

In my article, “I Don’t Think I am Womaning Right”, I share a story about meeting a man in the wild after having sworn off dating apps. It surprised me that any man would even look my way, let alone ask me out. But we did go out, and you can read what happened on our date. However, our romance lasted less than a fortnight.

Why? Because his need to be needed superseded my need to not need him in the ways he wanted to be needed, and my ways of wanting to need him were unacceptable to him.

Acts of Service indeed….

What I learned from this interaction was that often, men don’t care what women actually need; they want women to appreciate whatever they give us in order to fulfill their need to be needed.

I told this man one thing I needed, and in a nanosecond, it became about his need to be needed and not my needs. He did not like the way I wanted to need him- fair enough, yet he was unwilling to allow space for my needs, only his need to be needed, and when I didn’t want that, it was me; I was the problem.

I remembered all the times in my past relationships when my partner would “do something for me,” which had nothing to do with me and expected me to pat him on the head, like a divine golden retriever, reward him, and be grateful, regardless of the actual value of the service he provided me. I was simply there to fulfill his needs while he was pretending to fulfill mine.

This is my beef with how relationships play out, and it is probably why I will be single for the rest of my life. Give me what I actually need, and I’ll be eternally grateful. Give me what you need to feel needed, and I may still be happy about it, but I will also be aware that it had nothing to do with me and that I am a terrible liar.

This is part of a larger problem with what has become the McDonaldization of spirituality and the search for an understanding of spiritual truths.

We love short and easily digestible concepts to follow, and while I love the “love languages” as a concept, without truly understanding their purpose and YOUR REASONS WHY THEY ARE YOUR LOVE LANGUAGES…they are pithy one-liners one can use on a dating app to get laid and an excellent gaslighting tool.

We have lost the depth of understanding of these concepts and have begun to use them as tools to feed our egos.

For centuries, women have been told to allow men to “be men”; we have been told on repeat that men “need to be needed,” and if we want a man to love us, we have to placate them, like a toddler.

Men have been told to be our “Knights” to save us from the terrifying world and even from ourselves! We are, after all, hysterical.

The whole idea of a relationship is drowning in a sea of self-serving narratives. We’ve all been told that it is what makes a relationship.

Women must sing to the men, and the men must bring us eggs and coffee… (ok, I’ll take the eggs and coffee, and I’ll sing to you from time to time)

But is this the entirety of what we have to offer?

Why do women need to be “less needy” while also filling up a man’s need-to-be-needed cup with medals, trophies, oohs, and ahhs while our own cup sits empty?

And when we stand firm on our boundaries, our needs, and wants, we’re man-haters?

No, I don’t hate men. I rather like them.

I am just holding out for one that’s evolved beyond our toddler years.

---

DO YOU HAVE A BOOK LINGERING UNFINISHED, STUCK IN YOUR MIND?

Is it scattered across pages, sticky notes, and random napkins?  

Are you tired of your ideas for a book being scattered across different places, leaving you feeling overwhelmed and unable to get started? Look no further! With my help, you can finally turn those ideas into a fantastic book that will captivate your readers. 

In just under an hour, I will provide you with proven tips and tools that will help you get started and become a better writer. Whether it's a novel, memoir, or non-fiction, you will learn how to write with more creativity, structure, and clarity. 

And that's not all! You will also receive a booklet outlining all the tools I provide and more details about the process and worksheets for you to use. 

With my guidance, you can finally transform your writing process into a fulfilling and transformative experience. 

So why wait? Seize this opportunity to take the first step in becoming a successful author by signing up for my program today! Get ready to embark on an exciting journey of writing and self-discovery.

Let's get started on writing your book now!