fear / fɪər /

noun a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

This morning, for the first time, in a very long time, I woke up afraid.

Not stress, not dread… actual, bonafide fear.

I laid in bed with it for as long as I could before my body could no longer float in it. I felt as though all of me was melting away from the scorching streams of molten rock oozing out from my mind.

My eyes darted about in search of my dragon, the one that has carried me away from impending doom for so many years of my existence.

The hilt of my once mighty sword lay abandoned in a pool of melted steel that was once the blade that banished all of my demons.

No, this demon is real.

And the fear is real.

Yesterday, I received my court date for the eviction suit, and as much as I know in my heart and my logical mind, that everything about this is wrong and unjustified.

In this world, right doesn’t matter and justice is a commodity.

I have exactly 10 days to solve this problem. In the past, this would have felt like an eternity. I am nimble, I am quick, I am an epic problem solver.

I have stood, stoic and brave in front of my foes with many faces of evil and never felt this fear.

I envision myself limping into the courtroom, broken and battled scarred wielding only the truth and my humanity against a system that sees only ones and zeros. Not a human, not a mother…

Just a number.

A very low number at that.

In the current state of our economy I am poor, single family income and a creative, everything the 1% despise.

The middle class having been slowly squeezed out, we exist simply as the pulp, once drained of any juice we are discarded. I wonder what will happen when the trees stop producing the fruit? What is the end game here?

Yesterday, I told my daughter that this time, her mom might lose. She didn’t believe me. In her eyes I am still the greatest warrior she has ever known, my body count against the wrongs of this world her bragging rights.

In the years since covid, evictions have risen to over half a million a year in just California. Evictions nation wide are 50% higher than pre-pandemic.

One fourth of all properties in the US are now owned by private corporations and not by everyday individuals pursing the American dream.

Rent has risen approximately 14% since 2021 across the US, higher in major cities.

Since 2021 the cost of living – in terms of goods and services, has risen almost 10%.

Compare that with the radical shifts in industry to automation and AI, and the lack of increase in wages for the people who are still working,

and well…here we are…

I’ve heard the cacophony of “suggestions” – Just move, live cheaper.. all well meaning words spoken from the fruit not yet landed in the juicer.

So, what is the end game?

That question is too large for me right now. I’ve got to figure out my end game.

And so I place my feet on the searing rock that is my floor, I coax my dragon out from the hiding place under my bed, and I retrieve my bent steele and I muster all the strength I have left, because I must.

One thing I know is that if I stop fighting for what is right then I will surely have succumbed to the dark side.