Most of the time I forget I’m 53 and existing in the “middle” of my life experience. To be honest, I’m not sure I want another 50 years navigating this reality and all of the chaos ensuing.
I am ready for the quiet, the empty nest and especially the blank calendar.
When I think about moments in my life, they feel as if I lived them in a different lifetime. I gasp at recalling an experience or event that happened 25 years ago. Who was that person? Do I know them anymore? How is it possible I have memories that go that far back?
Oh right, I’m 53. I remember when 53 was old. I don’t feel old.
I laugh each time one of my teenagers makes a joke about my age, as if 53 is centuries away from them.
Ahh my child, it will come faster than you think.
I replay my life back in my mind like an old news reel. Stopping at the highlights where things brought joy and or suffering.
Recently, while driving to pick up my son from Knott’s Berry Farm, I found myself in a part of town I hadn’t traveled in a very very long time. 27 years to be exact.
I was 26 and had left behind my film career to start a gourmet dog treat business and used a kitchen in an industrial city south of LA.
As I hit the main drag of this city the memories of who I was, how I felt, the dreams I held surged through my cells and I suddenly couldn’t remember if I was 26 or 53.
I was reminded of a quote by Joan Didion;
“I have already lost touch with a couple of people I used to be”
How many lifetimes have I lived in this incarnation? Do pieces of those people still exist within me or have I exorcised them all as I moved through timelines, dimensions of who I was and who I was becoming.
I know all of those incarnations have led me right to this point. But is the the “right” point, or did I make a wrong choice somewhere along my ‘choose your own adventure’ journey and this is where it led me.
I step into the skin of that young, altruistic, highly driven, woman who held a vision for her life. The house, the kids, all the things and I move past those things to remember the vision she held for herself, her heart, her soul.
Do you ever wonder what would have changed had you made a different choice? I’m not an unhappy person. I love the life I have lived and am living…well, I wish I was richer…but I guess that’s normal.
What would I change if I could? What would I have said no to instead of yes and would it have made a difference?
The girl I was would never spend her Friday night alone, painting and listening to music. Ignoring the invites in favor of her own company.
The girl I was would never dismiss a handsome mans advances. This woman knows where that will lead, and my heart is just barely healed and too fragile to be broken anymore.
Sometimes, I ask myself if I have any regrets. I do and I can find them in the memory cache of my soul. They sometimes cause an ache deep inside my soul. I no longer confuse this ache with an aging body. I know the difference between the pain of regret and the pain of old joints. Yet it doesn’t make me sad or disappointed in myself or my life.
As I sat at the traffic light, in between my then and now I remembered what my vision of myself was. She was/is content, a dreamer, living life on her terms, in awe of where she has been and where she will still go.
My then and now melted together and time between 26 and 53 evaporated. I am still her, wiser, stronger and with the gift of peace that only, well, time can give.
I realized how lucky I am to be able to say that about my 53-year-old self and took a moment to thank my 26-year-old self for holding onto the dream, no matter how hard it was.
I can’t say we did it exactly as you planned my dear, but we did it non the less.
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You're writing resonates with me and within me. I'm soon to be 69.