Choosing for myself when to choose violence or peace.
And finding peace in either choice
This has been the year of fuck around and find out how I will respond to your shenanigans. And for the most part I have begun to exert myself much more than I used to.
For most of my life, like many women, I have remained silent when I was wronged in fear of being labeled “crazy”. As it turns out, no matter what I did, I was often labeled crazy by those, especially men, who betrayed me in some way (both in business and in romance). So, this year, I decided what have I got to lose?
In the fall of 2022 I was very much wronged by a man and boy did I speak up, I didn’t hold back. I wasn’t graceful or put on an act of the powerful woman who didn’t care. I cared, I didn’t deserve to b treated that way, by a man and let him know. It felt amazing to say what was in my mind and my heart. To get it out and I had not a care in the world about how he thought of me. Clearly, he didn’t think much anyway based on his behavior and treatment of me.
During 2023, I had several situations arise where people attempted to take advantage of me, and I decided I just wasn’t in the mood anymore the be the “bigger person”. It wasn’t a pretty display, I yelled, I dug in and pulled out my sword and used it, and each time I felt stronger, more empowered and freer.
I noticed an uptick in the number of times I had to don my armor this year, and wondered if this was normal for me, or if I was being tested more often than usual, given an opportunity to practice my newfound skills as a warrior of righteousness.
As the year comes to a close, I had a situation arise with someone who was not being truthful, what do they call it, selective memory. Attempting to hold me to a standard they themselves were not living up to. So, one again I began to gear up for battle. Weary of the many I had this year and wondering when this too shall end.
A little voice in me spoke, quietly and said. “You know you have choice, what will you gain by entering this fray? Is it worth it?”
I contemplated this. The reality was, I was right, and I didn’t matter to this person. They were going to battle with sticks and stones, and I was ready with steel. We would engage in an endless battle which ultimately would feed them and starve me. I might win, one day, but what would I actually win?
And I realized I had a new tool in my arsenal. The choice not to engage. My silence was no longer a prison I created out of fear, but a weapon I chose out of love and respect for myself.
Finally, silence and choosing grace on my own terms.
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